Revelation

Pain is weakness leaving the body.  

I've heard/seen this quote enough times that I believed it.  I can be a sucker for these 'profound' quotes, ones that are typically in the foreground of breathtaking scenery or paired with a warrior-like athlete busting his/her ass.  I've always felt that I can handle whatever life throws my way — by myself.  I've been proud (perhaps too proud) of my independence and ability to navigate life.  I stumbled a bit in college, but used my inner strength to pick myself back up to emerge even stronger.  I found strength in sharing my independence, my pride, my warrior-like persona to help those around me.  With each captive eye, I felt valued, maybe even loved more than before.  I believed that I found a calling — one that included being a support to my tribe; a tribe I spent years building.   In what felt like the blink of an eye, the network I wove ceased to exist.  The warrior had fallen, hard, in a pride swallowing moment.  

I slowly learned to realize my short comings and my humanistic nature.  I'm flawed, as my father reminded me, but that's a beautiful thing.  It's okay to doubt, fall short, misjudge — these are all qualities that make us human beings, but I lived so long to believe those were not options for me.  And now, in an ironic (isn't it?) twist of fate, here I am.  I spent hours upon hours exhausting my options for rebuilding myself.  I ducked from truths and conversations.  I retreated to my shell often, only rearing my head when called upon.  

My compartmentalized worlds are slowly crashing into each other.  I'm going to crack, soon, from the pressure of holding things together.  I'm breaking down physically, a result of the stress.  I lost enjoyment in my run and I barely skim my yoga mat for personal practice.  All of these things, and more, failed to go unnoticed by my smaller, yet stronger tribe.  The wedge I've driven between us is evident.  But why, you ask, would I do such a thing?

Pride.

I love being the one people look to for advice; I enjoy the dialogue and if my advice works, I'm satisfied in hearing about a positive outcome.  I have never been the one to discuss my problems, my fears.  I always saw that as showing my weakness; and I can't expose myself like that.  

But today, I need to lean on my tribe and give them a chance to help me.  It will be another battle for this warrior.  I am in pain, but I am not weak.