All the Light
Ah, there’s so much I want to write here. I still need to publish my race summary and I have all this other shit floating around. But. This is better.
The opening here might make some people uncomfortable. That’s not really my problem. Some choose to look the other way - most do; some hang on to gawk in potential misery; others remain because they’re unconditional.
Me.
I’m always here.
Since I left my marriage in 2016, I became hyper focused on a few things. One of those things: I vowed to work my damnedest to ensure my daughters felt love and knew they were loved NO.MATTER.WHAT.
My Ava, my sunshine, my bird, is so special to me. She is an old soul - wise for her age, thoughtful and has an unreal way with words, both spoken and in her story writing. I know she touches many - specifically some of the women she has encountered through the years.
During last week’s school conference, her teacher shared Ava’s end of year class reflection. One of the prompts:
“Who had the biggest impact on you this school year?”
As her teacher read the words, I followed along with my eyes, tracing all the letters. I cried. We both cried.
I needed to mentally excuse myself from the conference while sitting there in tears. All the years that I have spent trying to undo all the heartache I caused, trying to get ahead of every train, trying to put out fires before they started landed on this piece of paper in answer #6. There are no words I can float out there that describes the feelings. All I ever wanted…all I know my ex ever wanted, was for our daughters to feel loved. And, son of a bitch, we’re doing this no matter our differences.
I only have one wish - that he could have been sitting next to me to hear those words.
